Rollercoaster!

I've been so up-and-down lately I hardly know where I am anymore! Sometimes I'm terrified of motherhood--what if I'm bad at it? What if I don't like being a mom? What if my baby decides she hates me? What if, what if?!

Sometimes I'm so exhilarated--I already have a sense of babygirl's personality (I think she swims around in my belly exploring every inch she can) and I already love her for it. She's going to be small and soft and lovely and I can't wait to see her grow and learn and be part of our family.

I get waves of complete wonder and disbelief--this little child will be half me, half her father, completely unique, unexpected, unplanned, miraculous! I am very thankful and also very mystified that God chose to make our species procreate this way. CARRYING a new one around inside of our bellies?!?! HOW did He think of that?!?! Seriously. If I were God (which the universe I'm sure is very grateful is not the case) I probably would have made some sort of assembly line. Or something. I don't know! ...Robots?

God's way is much better.

I am sort of scared of labor, but I keep reassuring myself that I've broken enough bones, sprained enough joints, that I must have built up some tolerance to pain, right? I think I read some study that said people who experience a lot of physical pain have a lower perception of the same amount of pain than people who have lived a relatively painless life. I think this probably applies to emotional pain, too, but that's just my theory. So this should be a piece of cake, right? RIGHT????????????

And afterward there will be A NEW HUMAN BEING. HOLY COW PEOPLE.

There was a baby at my small group (from church) this past Sunday. There are always babies, of course, but this one was not a child of any of the members. It was the niece of a woman who'd come a few times; she's looking for a job and needs some input raising her little 3-year-old, and one member of our group had befriended her and we're all trying to get to know her better. The little baby was her sister's--and her sister is only 15. The baby is 2 weeks old, and apparently her teenage mom has no interest in bothering to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, no interest in putting in all the extra effort it takes to care for a baby. She's still in school, for heaven's sake--how is she going to raise a baby? Her sister (the woman attending our group) apparently has been looking after the baby, although she has her own challenges to deal with. And the girl doesn't want to give up her baby. Apparently she thinks she can do it and nobody better tell her what to do. You know. That sort of attitude.

Well, I can tell you I wanted to offer to take that baby home with us that instant! I guess I have a lion inside of me for vulnerable children. I wanted to cuddle her in my arms and take care of her and make sure she had constant, good attention. What's two newborns instead of one, right? But of course life is more complicated than that. My heart just goes out to this baby and I want her to be all right. I want every baby to be loved and taken care of. She was so little... she had big dark eyes that looked all around and little tiny adorable feet, and she held my finger while I smoothed her dark hair. She was absolutely precious and seeing her, for some reason, made me feel so much calmer and better about having our own baby. We can do it. We can raise our baby and love her ferociously.

And maybe we'll end up adopting a few more!

Miracle! Wooo!

Hi peeps, guess what?!?

I have experienced a miracle!

Here's the deal: My joints have always been loose. I used to pop my shoulders out of joint as a trick to impress people in elementary school (but I learned that that's not good for me, so I don't do it anymore). I used to be able to bend backwards and touch my head to my feet. My kneecaps slide out of place sometimes, and my wrists and elbows slide around too. When I used to rock climb a lot, I would sometimes stretch my legs wide and feel like my hip was about to pop out of it's socket.

And now I've got a lovely hormone called relaxin coursing through my veins, causing all sorts of havoc, like heartburn, peeing when I laugh, and my joints floating apart. ...Hurray? It'll make it easier for babygirl to come out, but in the meantime it has made walking very painful and difficult. My pelvic bone itself hurts, along with all the muscles and tendons that connect to it. For the last two weeks, I was reduced to a hobbling old penguin-woman who could only walk in tiny, embarrassing steps--when I could walk at all.

I went to my chiropractor in sack cloth and ashes, begging for forgiveness for my prolonged absence, and she did what she could. She's great, sure, but the pain! O, the pain!

I tried stretching, I tried swimming, I tried ice and heat. My bones and joints, they just SUCK.

AND THEN!!!!!

My dear lovely mother sent me a package filled with mixed CDs, maternity clothing, and the best present ever: a maternity support belt!

Seriously people. I put it on and IMMEDIATELY felt better. I thought it would just support the belly--a valid pursuit, but those things are expensive and I needed help with my hips and pelvis! So I hadn't bought one. But it really did hold my hips together and I could feel the stability immediately. I'm not completely pain-free, but the difference is between a bruise and a broken bone. I can walk again!

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!