A Phrase Every Woman Loves to Hear:

"Wow, you look HUGE!"

Thanks. Thanks a lot. That's the first thing I want to hear when I get to work in the morning. I know that she didn't mean any offense, but sometimes things are just offensive all by themselves. I'm not mad at my co-worker... But I still feel like a freakin' walrus.

Flop flop flop around the office. Somebody throw me a fish.

This past weekend I also got:

"You're really big, aren't you?"

Oh, gosh, thanks Random Man at the Science Museum. I'm sure you're an expert in pregnancy and the appearance of pregnant women's bodies, and are the perfect person to judge how large I've gotten after 6 months of baby-growing. Sheesh.

I'm just going to start telling people I'm 8 months pregnant instead of 6. Someone might notice when the baby ends up being two months overdue, though...

Hey, How about a Post about...

Ten Weird Pregnancy Side Effects WOOOOOO!

1. Dizziness. Gets to be number 1 because it's annoying me right now.

2. Bloody noses. ALL the TIME. We got a humidifier and that helps, but one time my nose burst a vessel or something right in the middle of class and I had to run out with my hand filling up with blood, and it was dripping all down my face and chin and I looked like someone out of a zombie movie! Gross! But that was just the one time.

3. Swollen corneas. My eyeballs swelled all up and now I can't wear my contacts overnight anymore.

4. Nice nails. Not technically "weird," but veeeery noticeable. Or... maybe I've stopped biting my nails?

5. Tingly feet and legs. Something to do with nerves in my hips and back, a very weird feeling.

6. Swollen feet and legs. My midwife was surprised when I told her I was swelling like this so early. Awesome. I'll probably look like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit by the time the baby pops out.

7. Brain loss. My brain has escaped, or been eaten by my baby. I cannot remember ANYTHING anymore. Names of common household objects? Gone. What I just said? Nada! It's starting to seem inconvenient to be pregnant in grad school.

8. Sob-Fest 2010. I cry all the time. Usually after laughing for a while. One time I ordered three types of drinks at McDonald's on a road trip and cried for ten minutes because I thought it was funny. Another family on a road trip eating at the next table over probably thought Alex was abusing me.

9. Pain when I... sit, stand, walk, roll over in bed, anything. Pain in my tummy, pain in my pelvis, pain in my back, pain shooting down my legs. Wooo for pain. Training for labor? This is NOTHIN'! BRING IT ON! Or... bring me an ice pack.

10. I can't think of a number 10. But 10 is such a nice way to round out a list, isn't it?

:)

Wait--I'm SUPPOSED to gain weight?!?!

Ain't no secret, folks--this mama's basically been off and on a diet for her entire life.

So now I've entered this strange, magical alter-universe of pregnancy, where half of society is telling me that it's totally fine and awesome to gain weight, and why not eat an extra bowl of ice cream every night?!

And the other half is saying, WHAT are you putting in your MOUTH?!?! You need to watch every single little bite to within an inch of your life because if you don't you'll not only be a fat mommy, you'll give birth to a baby made of chocolate bars and cheetos (and with a heart defect GUILTGUILTGUILT!)!!

What the heck?!? I know, I know, moderation is everything, but I'm not getting any moderation of advice or input... no moderation in the way I or others are analyzing my eating choices! I read about women who cheerfully chomp their way to gaining 50 lbs and their babies come out pink and happy and whole. And I read advice about how I'm not supposed to eat nitrates or preservatives or salt; and no bread, pasta, or anything processed because I should be eating everything in its natural state... which sounds great and all but I'm not a freakin' saint here.

I like eating sandwiches! And pickles--I love pickles, and I thought I was going to get to eat them while pregnant, but they're so SALTY!!! And don't ask me why, but this baby has been DEMANDING hot dogs... and those are full of preservatives, aren't they?

So I've had a few freak-outs, I guess. I want to eat good things for my baby! I also... want to eat ice cream. It's a struggle. I had an afternoon when I wandered around picking things up and putting them down, just standing up and sitting down, trying to hold in my panic about gaining too much weight so quickly. And I'm pretty much on track right now, it just came on so fast! And I told Alex about my worries, so then he was worried, and then he was noticing everything that I was eating and I was feeling so paranoid and it was just a BAD time. Gosh.

I read about an obese woman who only gained 2 lbs while she was pregnant (willpower!) and that was considered a good thing.

I am not obese, just overweight... a bit. I'm pretty much average, which for America is overweight.

(Side-note: One time I was reading a magazine and it had an article about perceptions of attractiveness and it had a bunch of women's bodies lines up in their underwear, size 2 to size 22 (in perfect increments); they'd asked men in all sorts of places which body size did they think was most attractive, and they chose various sizes--many of which were not in the single digits. :) But the real story is that I picked which one I thought looked exactly like me, totally brutally honestly, and the body size I chose was SIX SIZES larger than I actually am. SIX. So maybe I have a bit of an unrealistically negative view of myself. Maybe I need to relax a little.)

ANYWAY!

Let's be real... I'm not going to gain only 2 lbs, and I don't think that would be healthy anyway. But I'm not going to gain 50 lbs, either! No! I'm shooting for 20-25 lbs. My midwife is happy with that, and so am I.

Also, she says exercise is more important, and Alex for some reason has decided he loves the gym (after never willingly exercising once since the moment I met him, besides when we dogsat this crazy mean bite-y dog named Bubby who was sort of doofy and Alex took him running with wild abandon and they looked sort of like Phoebe looked on that episode of Friends when she tried to convince Rachel to run wackily in Central Park with her, remember that?) so now we go to the gym all the time and we HAVE FUN!

I know veggies have good things in them, vitamins etc., and also fiber for my poops, so I eat lots of veggies. I am trying to eat more protein, but I used to be a vegetarian and I just don't really cook meat all that often--though I've adopted many good strategies from my current-vegetarian friend Cari who is awesome. Calcium, my prenatal vitamin, whole grains, the odd chicken breast, I'm eating them all!

I've been doing my best and this baby is just gonna have to grow by the grace of God and God alone!!! He's the one building the little thing anyway, I'm just supplying raw materials. And Baby Pistachio needs lots of good materials to make good bones and skin and eyes and everything.

And I've stopped weighing myself every day and obsessing.

I guess... I guess I'm trying to have some freedom concerning this issue. And that feels really good.

(Fun side note: tonight's dinner involves eating mac and cheese and watching the Biggest Loser... STOP YELLING AT ME JILLIAN)

Some Snazzy Baby Pics

... for your pleasure! Here are some photos of our little Pistachio (who is now much larger, and either a pepper or a banana depending on what website you read). Also, we found out the sex! Wooo!

Our baby is a...

LITTLE GIRL! HURRAH!!!



Here is our gorgeous little lady, only 9 weeks old! We could see her wiggling her arms back and forth (her hands were little dots) and so now we have a dance called the Baby Dance. Baby says "Wiggle wiggle, cha-cha-cha!"



How quickly she's grown! This is 20 weeks. What a profile! Someone call Tyra Banks, we've got America's Next Top Model!



This is her cha-cha foot. It's especially good for kicking mommy and looking adorable.

We love our darling girl!

Musings on Alcohol (and the Ballad of Sad-Day Grocery Shopping)

Let's talk about... drinking! Now, I miss my vodka cranberry like an old friend who's abandoned me (coincidence that I'm currently addicted to dried cranberries? I think not), but there are ways to cope.

For example, I now put normally boring drinks in a fancy glass. I use either a martini glass or wine glass, and I find myself requiring at least three ingredients before a beverage is satisfactory. First, half a glass of ginger ale--I started for the nausea, kept it for the bubbles. The other half might be cranberry juice with a dash of orange or vice versa. And why not add a bit of lime juice? How about a maraschino cherry? Grenadine? My drinks are now bar-quality virgin luxuries. Mmmmm.

I found peach juice while wandering around Aldi, and now it's my favorite. What a horrible trip, though--I forgot to get a cart before I walked through the automatic doors, and then I was too tired to walk all the way through to get out again because the door wouldn't open behind me, and so I just picked everything up with my hands and got so tired I nearly started crying, plus I looked ridiculous carrying a million slipping grocery items.

So I put them all down on a counter and rested for a moment, paranoid that I'd be accused of lazily leaving items out of place if I walked away to get a reusable grocery bag (which I bought and have forgotten to use ever since). Boo. Also my back hurt a lot. I called my husband to whine and he assured me that I never had to get groceries again, but I can hardly expect him to know what brand to buy or where to go to get the cheap stuff, right?

Plus how will he know that I'll be having a craving for white cheddar popcorn at 2 am? I have to plan ahead for these things, and I can't put junk food on a grocery list because then it COUNTS. It HAS to be impulse, otherwise I'm guilty of premeditated junk-fooding.

Although I have made him walk to Walgreens at around 10 pm for the following:

- a Caramello bar

- another Caramello bar

- boxes of macaroni and cheese so I could use the cheese powder on my popcorn

- three more Caramello bars

- teriyaki beef jerkey

- CHOCOLATE

- gummy bears

He's never around when I'm craving V-8. Sheesh.

AAAAAAANYway, back to the alcohol issue. I miss it. Obviously. Especially when my good friend Cari says she's gonna go back to her place and relax with a bottle of wine and a movie, and I am jealous even though I don't really like wine. It just sounds fun. THAT'S RIGHT, SINGLE LADIES. This married, pregnant woman is jealous of your ability to sit at home alone and watch movies by yourself while you drink.

Just take note. You've got it good.

I was out last night with Cari and darling Elizabeth and the handsome fellow who shares my last name, playing darts and talking nonsense at the Chatterbox down on Ford Parkway. It was fabulous fun, and strangely enough I felt pretty drunk just because I was so tired. Pregnancy + 11 pm = woozy feeling! Don't worry, I got lots of sleep for the baby.

It was funny, though, that Elizabeth (the tiny girl) didn't get carded--though she had come straight from work and was wearing her nursing scrubs, so presumably she was a working woman of drinking age--but my tall, bearded, broad-shouldered husband did! The guy rubbing his pregnant wife's belly might not be old enough to drink? Well, it's possible, I guess. Elizabeth argued that the beard should be proof enough of age, to which Alex responded that he'd sported a full beard since age 16. I proposed that one should be able to tell a man's general age by how broad his shoulders are: teenage guys, and even those in the first half of college, tend to have skinny, narrow shoulders to rival any girl, but give 'em a few years and they broaden right out into sexy territory. And my manly man? He's president of Sexy Territory. He's taming that wild land of Sexy. He's... whooo-boy, pregnancy hormone rush. I should probably stop now.

Um. Darts are fun. The end!