Wait--I'm SUPPOSED to gain weight?!?!

Ain't no secret, folks--this mama's basically been off and on a diet for her entire life.

So now I've entered this strange, magical alter-universe of pregnancy, where half of society is telling me that it's totally fine and awesome to gain weight, and why not eat an extra bowl of ice cream every night?!

And the other half is saying, WHAT are you putting in your MOUTH?!?! You need to watch every single little bite to within an inch of your life because if you don't you'll not only be a fat mommy, you'll give birth to a baby made of chocolate bars and cheetos (and with a heart defect GUILTGUILTGUILT!)!!

What the heck?!? I know, I know, moderation is everything, but I'm not getting any moderation of advice or input... no moderation in the way I or others are analyzing my eating choices! I read about women who cheerfully chomp their way to gaining 50 lbs and their babies come out pink and happy and whole. And I read advice about how I'm not supposed to eat nitrates or preservatives or salt; and no bread, pasta, or anything processed because I should be eating everything in its natural state... which sounds great and all but I'm not a freakin' saint here.

I like eating sandwiches! And pickles--I love pickles, and I thought I was going to get to eat them while pregnant, but they're so SALTY!!! And don't ask me why, but this baby has been DEMANDING hot dogs... and those are full of preservatives, aren't they?

So I've had a few freak-outs, I guess. I want to eat good things for my baby! I also... want to eat ice cream. It's a struggle. I had an afternoon when I wandered around picking things up and putting them down, just standing up and sitting down, trying to hold in my panic about gaining too much weight so quickly. And I'm pretty much on track right now, it just came on so fast! And I told Alex about my worries, so then he was worried, and then he was noticing everything that I was eating and I was feeling so paranoid and it was just a BAD time. Gosh.

I read about an obese woman who only gained 2 lbs while she was pregnant (willpower!) and that was considered a good thing.

I am not obese, just overweight... a bit. I'm pretty much average, which for America is overweight.

(Side-note: One time I was reading a magazine and it had an article about perceptions of attractiveness and it had a bunch of women's bodies lines up in their underwear, size 2 to size 22 (in perfect increments); they'd asked men in all sorts of places which body size did they think was most attractive, and they chose various sizes--many of which were not in the single digits. :) But the real story is that I picked which one I thought looked exactly like me, totally brutally honestly, and the body size I chose was SIX SIZES larger than I actually am. SIX. So maybe I have a bit of an unrealistically negative view of myself. Maybe I need to relax a little.)

ANYWAY!

Let's be real... I'm not going to gain only 2 lbs, and I don't think that would be healthy anyway. But I'm not going to gain 50 lbs, either! No! I'm shooting for 20-25 lbs. My midwife is happy with that, and so am I.

Also, she says exercise is more important, and Alex for some reason has decided he loves the gym (after never willingly exercising once since the moment I met him, besides when we dogsat this crazy mean bite-y dog named Bubby who was sort of doofy and Alex took him running with wild abandon and they looked sort of like Phoebe looked on that episode of Friends when she tried to convince Rachel to run wackily in Central Park with her, remember that?) so now we go to the gym all the time and we HAVE FUN!

I know veggies have good things in them, vitamins etc., and also fiber for my poops, so I eat lots of veggies. I am trying to eat more protein, but I used to be a vegetarian and I just don't really cook meat all that often--though I've adopted many good strategies from my current-vegetarian friend Cari who is awesome. Calcium, my prenatal vitamin, whole grains, the odd chicken breast, I'm eating them all!

I've been doing my best and this baby is just gonna have to grow by the grace of God and God alone!!! He's the one building the little thing anyway, I'm just supplying raw materials. And Baby Pistachio needs lots of good materials to make good bones and skin and eyes and everything.

And I've stopped weighing myself every day and obsessing.

I guess... I guess I'm trying to have some freedom concerning this issue. And that feels really good.

(Fun side note: tonight's dinner involves eating mac and cheese and watching the Biggest Loser... STOP YELLING AT ME JILLIAN)